Being new

I hate being new to a church. Usually, it is a result from having to wash your hands of a situation that wrecks both heart and soul. Being new to me means having to show up naked (in a bad way)and wounded from hurt and irresolution. It means giving up on a very pesonal investment.

God led us here. There is no doubt. He made the transition easy when we finally listened. This is the first time in years that I feel my family is in it's spiritual home. I've felt joy in the last couple of months that I haven't felt in so long. The tears I shed when I sing to the Lord now are because I'm connecting with Him again! The tears before were because I felt lost and empty. Habits, although not always healthy, are still habits and there is comfort in that. That's why women stay in abusive marriages. It's why people cling to jobs in which they have no passion. I was brought up to worship, serve and, at times, depend on the relationships knitted together at the place where we declare ourselves members. Being a member means I've committed to being part of a family. A family that not only supports me, but lets me be an example of the child of God that I so want to be. I support them, as well. I want to support and encourage, laugh, cry, study, debate and serve. In our last church we just had to try too hard. There were so many things to overlook and excuse. I guess it just comes to a point when you have to move on and start to heal. To plant new roots.

Roots.

Roots anchor.

Roots absorb.

Ultimately, roots sustain life. I guess that's why this journey has been so painful. This is why, at times, I felt spiritually dead. Not being able to serve where God has taught me to serve was stifling. "The Lord is my strength and my song!" Exodus 15:2. God digs singing. Especially when it's lifted up to Him in praise. I feel closest to Him when I'm singing in harmony with others that are praising Him with me. I bet we'll be doing a lot of it in heaven. That's a post for another time...

But. We found new soil! A large part of my faith is about serving. And a large part of serving is fellowship. We build relationships with people as we serve Jesus Christ and each other together. It's not a competition. It's a relationship.

People ask me often about my kids and socialization because we homeschool. But what about the parents? How much socialization do we really get at this stage in the game? With young kids sucking the life out of us requiring so much of our time, it's difficult to nurture outside friendships. I need to make more time for that. I'm more comfortable building relationships with people that have the same final destination in mind. Who love their husbands and do more than tolerate their children. The odds are better at a place like we've found.

A hard lesson learned this time is that there are no perfect churches. Yes, I knew that before. Churches are filled with man. We're bound to screw it up somewhere. People are flawed. But that's what makes them fun to talk about. Doh! I kid...

Friends

One of the mysteries of life for me is friendship. I have been so very lucky to know some of the people that I call my friend. Besides my DH, my best friends are, in no particular order:

Christy

Kathleen

Michelle

Jodi

Lisa

Man, I am lucky to know these women. Here's the mystery...I haven't talked to them in, like, forever! The totally cool part is that if any one of these friends showed up at my door, it would be like we saw each other yesterday. We were that close. And I love them that much.

I have five kids and a husband that I adore. I feel like it's the "season" of life I am in, but I have a hard time connecting with my friends like I want too. A homeschooling mom spends a freakish amount of time with her kids. Since we are in our house basically 24/7, we have to constantly stay on top of housework. No one leaves for school. They are here. All. day. long. When I do get some free time, I usually go sit in my closet and drink a bottle of wine. I'm kidding, of course.

It's a bottle of Jack, sitting in the van in the garage. I'M KIDDING! It'd be WAY too hot!

Where was I? Oh! Free time... I am one of those rare women that actually likes to spend time with her DH. My man is my favorite thing. We are very selfish with our time alone. So that leaves very little time for girl dates. I want to try and do better communicating. Actually, it's one of the reasons I started this blog. I want my friends and family to know we are still here and thriving, I just don't have time to have a meaningful conversation.

I'm an all or nothing kinda girl, you see, and I have sooooo much to say to these people that the sheer thought of the length of these conversations sends my heart into an irregular rhythm. I get light-headed and nauseated and I have to put my head between my legs just to be able to breathe. There...I said it. It's no secret I have issues.

I've had other friends that are dudes and, well, I feel funny calling a dude my bff. But there were those that had an important place in my heart. I never dated these guys. They treated me too well. I honestly believed they thought of me as a friend. My dude friends have included:

Galen

Matt

Mark

Jason

So...Galen. We have been friends for a longtime. He was my junior high boyfriend's wing man. He is one of those friends that I always thought, "Galen will always be there. I can call him later. He'll understand." Since graduating high school we saw each other here and there. I kept up with him through our moms. He married and I heard earlier this year he went into the Army to be a Chaplain. I was so excited to hear this because I knew he always wanted to be in the ministry full-time and this path seemed to make sense.

Well, I got an email informing me that he left for Iraq. Today. I am scared and sad and so happy he has this opportunity. I'm feeling a little uneasy because it has been so long since I talked to him. I hope he knows how important he is to me. DH and I will be praying that he reaches people. We pray that he is able to comfort those that need to hear from God. And we will be praying for his wife, his parents and his brothers and sister and their spouses and kiddoes. Most importantly, we'll be praying for his safety.

Here is an email he sent his mom yesterday:

Had a cool God moment yesterday.

All the flights have been leaving this week and my guys have been
flying out in groups on different days. I've gone in and hung out
with them and their families each day which can get a little sad as
you see everyone saying goodbye to their wife and kids.

Yesterday as I pulled up and saw the crowd all the emotion of the
situation hit me and left me with a bit of anxiety. I fought it all
morning as I kept thinking to myself that this will be me in just a
couple days, saying goodbye to Angie.

Then I noticed a young female soldier sitting in the corner by herself crying. I pulled her aside and to see if there was anything I could do to help. She replied that she was being overwhelmed with a fear of dying in Iraq. I asked her if I could read her something from the Bible that helps me, and she replied 'Yes.' I read to her from Ps 91, "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

I didn't get two verses in before I was choking back my own tears, my
anxiety was quickly replaced with peace as I realized that God is also
MY refuge and fortress! .how sweet it is to trust in Jesus.


We continued to talk about how God is going to be in control while we
are over there and what a great opportunity we were going to have to
learn to trust in Him on a daily basis. We closed by praying together
and she smiled and said she was already feeling better and asked what
type of services we were going to be having "over there." I told her
about the worship services and the Bible Studies and she got excited.


It's amazing how quickly God was able to turn my anxiety into trust
and then into excitement. I truly can't wait to go and begin a new adventure living and trusting in Him.


Thanks for your prayers,


G